Joel's Gap Yah blog

Changing tracks pt.3 [strong language]

‘Should I stay or should I go’ the name of a song by the Clash and something I have been and keep asking myself each day.

If you don’t already know, I’m not a crowd pleaser, in the sense that I’ll make my mind up regardless of the ‘most popular’ option.

I’ve grown to hate [with a passion] manipulative pushy people. People that push your hand when descsions making.

There’s a part of me [percentage unknown] that having experienced what I have over the last 8 months that feels like I’m resigning myself to 3 years in a cage and I f*****g hate that idea. Once your in the cage you have to keep going until your times up and if you do break out then you’ve wasted the time you’ve spent in there.

There are probably a good number of you wondering ‘well, If he doesn’t do university what’s he going to do instead?’

Ask yourself this: is he or is he not a professional diver?

I’ve doubts about both sides and what will or would have happened. My number one fear [on his topic] is that plans for after university will be compromised [working my way round the south pacific] cause I get pushed into some other pile of shit.

Now, make absolutely no mistake I love my parents, however even the worlds best parents [which I have] are held to that oh so true Philip Larkin quote;

‘Parents, they fuck you up’

Please don’t think for one moment think that I some how blame my parents for this, my own in descion. As my dad said, only today

‘Anything you do now is going to feel like a come down, you’ve had a very intense 8 months’

I haven’t yet made a decision, ill probably end up rolling over and going to university and some point down the line wishing I was some place else. Isn’t that inevitable? Don’t we all get that? How many people end up doing something their passionate about? Ending up doing exactly what they want to do? I’d hazard a guess at not many. Again, that’s something dad and I spoke about today.

There is part of me that dose want to go to university. Again I’m not sure how big this part is.
I’m begining to think that it’s the ‘subject’. I’ve found something I’m passionate about and it overrides ‘American Studies’ and that’s caused me to doubt the whole thing rather than the subject. I’m still interested in American studies just not as much as I am in diving and the opportunities it’s offering me right now. I’m worried they’ll disappear and end up being forever discouraged from saying ‘f**k the system I’m outta here!’ that can not Happen, I won’t let it! [In advance, If your one of those people who dis-courages me from following dreams then go take a running jump!]
It pains me to say it but most of the time it’s closed eyed, small minded people, people who are to scared themselves and err on the side of caution and emulate this ‘careful’ attitude into you to stop you doing anything ‘to rash’, or to rash in their eyes.

Dream big or dear to fail…

Look what did these last 8 months, living truth!

So I am going to university how long I’ll last 3 days, months or years I don’t know but once I’m done I’m gone.

What I’m trying to communicate to you is that I’ve already made my choice. While I’m at Keele University I’m sure I’ll learn some life lessons, more abouy God and America.

If your a ‘prayer’ I’d value your support.

Oh, and you were more than right Aunty Caroline when you said It must be difficult communicating to everyone reading this on here how I feel. It’s like giving birth.

More soon,

Italy is good fun, we’re off to Florence tomorrow can’t wait!!

God bless,

J x